The Gentle Power of Listening
I pushed the gurney down the dimly-lit, beige-colored hallway…
The air smelled of medicine, and as we arrived to her room, the sound of the heart monitor echoed rhythmically off of the cold walls.
I gently kneeled by her bedside.
The cancer department was usually rushed and busy, and this was the first time I had gotten the chance to truly hear her story…
“How are you doing, really?” I asked.
As I listened, tears began to well in her eyes, and her voice trembled…
“I’m scared,” she gasped.
"Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty their heart."
—Thích Nhất Hạnh
Her name was Deborah. Though in her mid-fifties, she appeared much older. A scarf wrapped snugly around her head kept her bare scalp warm.
By this point, she had been receiving radiation and chemotherapy treatments in our department for several weeks. Her situation was uniquely severe because of the location of the tumor and its advanced progression.
During each treatment, she went along with the prescribed protocol, allowing us to reposition her as needed. All the while, she stoically grimaced and held herself back from screaming in pain.
Treatment times were short, and I rarely had the chance to spend more than a few minutes alone with my patients to help comfort them through the process.
In this instance, however, I felt grateful to have the opportunity to sit with her and be genuinely present.
Amid the stillness of her hospital room, briefly removed from my duties as a “professional,” we were able to see one another eye-to-eye…
“I’m so scared,” she confessed.
Her soul began to pour through her words…
Fear,
grief,
regret,
confusion —
all seemed to melt away from her.
It was almost as if she had been holding onto all of it for years — maybe decades — in attempts to appear strong.
Now diagnosed with a late stage of terminal cancer and grappling with her own mortality, there were no more places to hide the pain.
“In the process of letting go, you find the truth of who you really are.”
—Pema Chödrön
In the midst of Miss Deborah’s confessions, everything that I had learned in medical field flew out the window.
The moment began to feel beautifully Eternal.
My own eyes filled with tears — tears of both sorrow and gratitude — as I witnessed the weight and depth of her story. I felt deeply honored that she felt safe enough to share her inner world with me.
And somehow, as she confessed, it seemed as if she was healing before my very eyes…
She physically relaxed…
She began to breathe more deeply…
And a sense of calmness and acceptance began to emanate from her.
As the room filled with a quiet sense of resolve, Deborah thanked me for being there with her. Yet, all I had done was simply listen.
“We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.”
—Carl Rogers
I often reflect on the profundity of that interaction for both Deborah and I; It was not radiation or chemotherapy that had helped ease her pain, but the simple power of being present with her.
Humility was what healed.
Genuine connection was what healed.
The act of deeply listening was what healed.
May we serve our brothers and sisters with the simple, yet profound act of compassionate listening.
Max Kristopher Komes
www.MaxKomes.com
Max Komes is a master’s-level mental health professional in Pensacola, Florida. His philosophy is that each and every individual holds wellsprings of wisdom within them, and with the right tools, can access this wisdom to live purposeful, healthy, and resilient lives.
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