Finding Calmness Through Self-Compassion
"You cannot be compassionate to others if you are not compassionate with yourself."
—Thích Nhất Hạnh
It often seems like the inner world of the mind is chaotic — a whirlwind of thoughts running out of control.
We might wrestle with it, trying desperately to constrain it.
We might yell at it, hurling harsh words in an attempt to silence it.
Or we might even try to push certain thoughts down, burying them to avoid facing them…
These reactions are understandable — the chaos of the mind can feel overwhelming, and it’s natural to try to regain control in any way possible. Yet, we may notice that all these attempts to control the mind only seem to strengthen its unruly grip.…
The more we fight, the more it seems to fight back.
“The mind is like water. When it is turbulent, it is difficult to see. When it is calm, everything becomes clear.”
—Thích Nhất Hạnh
To truly calm the turbulence of the mind, we can begin by meeting ourselves with compassion. A good way to begin to show ourselves compassion is by taking time to pause and acknowledging that which is arising within us.
This act of acknowledgement helps us to understand and dissolve strong emotions so we can again become calm and clear. (Click here for the science by Dr. Dan Siegel -- Name it to tame it)
Our self-compassion practice might look something like this:
Find a quiet space to sit in silence and find focus for a moment.
Observe the rise and fall of the breath.
As thoughts and emotions arise, simply notice them…
Recognize that these feelings are valuable parts of you, carrying important messages that need to be heard.
Gently ask the emotion, “what are you trying to tell me? What can you teach me?”
Compassionately acknowledge and label the emotion, allowing space for understanding.
Notice as the emotion softens and begins to dissolve.
Again, the goal here is not to let our thoughts spiral out of control in an attempt to interpret our emotions. Rather, this is a mindful and intentional practice…
We are holding the emotions with compassion. Again, in the words of Thầy:
"When you hold a baby gently, with tenderness, the baby feels secure and stops crying. In the same way, if you embrace your anger and take good care of it, it will calm down. You take your anger in your arms like a mother holding her baby."
—Thích Nhất Hạnh
When we acknowledge strong emotions in this way, we also create a space in which we can understand why they arise. In this space, the emotions then begin to reveal their deeper meaning and purpose. The body is, indeed, intelligent, and by tuning into it in this way, we can learn its language…
Perhaps strong emotions like anger or resentment are guiding us to recognize our core values or to set clear boundaries.
Perhaps sadness and grief are reminding us to rest and reflect.
Perhaps some of our emotions are learned responses passed down to us by our parents, culture, and society…
And as these insights begin to sink in, we may notice our bodies respond by releasing tension...
“Breathing in, I calm my body. Breathing out, I smile.”
—Thích Nhất Hạnh
By acknowledging the emotions at hand, compassionately understanding their message, and deeply accepting them as integral aspects of ourselves, we also naturally release the physical tensions associated with them:
the stress between the eyebrows softens,
the shoulders drop and the chest opens,
and the hips relax.
With this, we become embodiments of peace, learning to embrace calmness in every moment, no matter the circumstances.
And it all begins with taking time to pause and offer ourselves compassion.
May we continue to cultivate inner calmness through the gentle practice of self-compassion.
Max Kristopher Komes
www.MaxKomes.com
Max Komes is a Master’s-level Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern operating under licensed supervision in Pensacola, Florida. His philosophy is that each and every individual holds wellsprings of wisdom within them, and with the right tools, can access this wisdom to live purposeful, healthy, and resilient lives.
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