Deep Conversations Are Needed Now More Than Ever
In today’s technological age, it’s quicker and easier than ever before to reach out to someone. We’re surrounded by tools which beckon us to connect — cell phones, social media, video chats… and yet, humanity seems to have lost a large degree of depth and meaning in connection.
Quick exchanges and hollow phrases have taken the place of deeper conversations, leaving many of us yearning for more…
It’s as though we’ve forgotten how to truly inquire into each other’s lives, listen without distraction, and engage in conversations which leave us feeling seen and understood.
Genuine communication, it seems, has become a lost art.
There are ways, however, to bring true depth and meaning back into our everyday conversations and restore these feelings of connection…
“Let’s talk about big things. Little things can wait.”
—Salvador Dali
Conscious communication can be thought of as an intentional and compassionate form of dialogue. Unlike “small talk,” which revolves around casual rapport-building, this form of communication prioritizes genuine connection, depth, and meaning. It includes components such as:
Willingness to Connect
Presence and Receptivity
Deep Listening
Authenticity and Vulnerability
Empathy, Compassion, and Validation
Intentional Question-Asking
Reflection and Relating
Although each of these components could easily warrant its own dedicated article, let’s take a moment to explore them briefly, one by one...
“When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.”
—Martin Buber
Conscious communication first and foremost begins with a genuine willingness to connect.
This willingness signals to our mind and body that the interaction is important. It is a mindset that says, “I am here for this person, I value them, and I wish to understand them.” This, then, gently signals to the other person that we are fully engaged in the exchange, honoring them with a stable and attentive presence.
To be present means to remain unwaveringly aware in the moment…
We are not thinking of doing something else.
We are not thinking of being somewhere else.
We are simply allowing ourselves to be with the other person.
In this state of presence, we are naturally receptive, mindfully absorbing what the other person is communicating, and deeply listening to them.
“We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.”
—Carl Rogers
To listen deeply is to infuse an interaction with heartfelt curiosity…
It is to take genuine interest in the person across from us, attuning to the subtle language that is found beneath the surface of their words, and allowing us to ask:
“What emotions could they be feeling?”
“What is their tone and body language saying?” and
“What is their deeper message?”
This open, nonjudgmental awareness creates a safe and nurturing environment in which trust can grow, free from judgment or threat. It signals to the other person that they don’t need to hide — they can simply be themselves. With this, a feeling of mutual trust takes root, and authenticity naturally arises in the dynamic.
Authenticity means being open to sharing our innermost selves and the stories that have shaped who we are. This is where our innermost thoughts and emotions genuinely align with our outward words and actions. In the world of psychotherapy, we call this congruence.
Then, as tensions ease and masks fall away, we begin to share openly and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with one another…
"The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility."
—Paulo Coelho
Vulnerability puts authenticity in motion.
While authenticity aligns our inner and outer worlds, vulnerability brings that alignment to life through open expression. It involves sharing our thoughts, feelings, and cherished experiences in a genuine and appropriate way.
We share the stories of our lives…
We share our challenges, concerns, and shortcomings…
We share our passions, hopes, and dreams…
This sense of openness further amplifies the mutual sense of safety in the interaction.
That being said, to be authentic and vulnerable doesn’t mean that we carelessly voice our every thought; rather, this form of open expression requires thoughtful consideration, sensitivity to context, and respect for one another’s boundaries.
In other words, empathy is at the core of this open expression.
“The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world.”
—Plato
To be empathetic is to temporarily set aside our own ego and step into the emotional world of another. It is to feel what they are feeling, and to show them support in their journey…
Crying with them.
Laughing with them.
Breathing a sigh of relief together.
Empathy furthermore heightens our awareness of how our own words and actions impact the person before us. We inherently understand that what we say and do requires the utmost sensitivity and care. From this place, compassion arises, inspiring us to offer small comforting gestures, such as offering a gentle touch or a validating word.
When we validate someone, we show them that their feelings, thoughts, or experiences are not just heard, but genuinely understood. Validation communicates to the other person that their perspective is respected and meaningful — valid — even if it differs from our own.
If we are consoling someone in distress, validation might sound like, “I’m so sorry… that sounds really difficult.”
If we’re celebrating a friend’s success, it might sound like, “Congratulations! You must be really excited about that.”
Even a simple acknowledgment, such as, “That’s fascinating,” can convey validation.
As we validate, and as the other person feels understood, we may notice their demeanor softening. We can then gently deepen the conversation by asking intentional questions that continue to show genuine interest.
"Try to be a sheet of paper with nothing on it. Be curious. Open to possibility. That is how you truly hear someone."
—Rumi
Intentional question-asking is an extension of genuine curiosity that invites deeper exploration and connection. It demonstrates to the other person that we are striving to understand them better through intentional dialogue.
For example, we might ask a clarifying question like, “I hear you saying… is that correct?”
This helps us understand the other person’s perspective with greater accuracy, while also reassuring them that their thoughts and feelings are truly valued.
We might also encourage intentional and meaningful dialogue through open-ended questions such as:
“Can you tell me more about…?”
“What are your thoughts on that situation?” or
"What was the most important part of that for you?"
These questions create space for the other person to share what matters most to them, offering them an opportunity to reveal parts of themselves that may have previously remained unspoken or unexplored. With this, we are granted an incredibly rare and profoundly beautiful opportunity — a glimpse into the vast and complex worldview within another.
—We can reflect with the other person.—
In this space, we can allow ourselves to soak in the potency of the moment and fully absorb what the other person is communicating…
Embracing the warmth of the connection…
Allowing their words and emotions to permeate our entire being…
And then, briefly embracing the silence before we respond…
That being said, there is no rush to respond. In fact, silence signals that there’s no urgency to reach a conclusion, just the shared intention to understand one another.It can create breathing room that allows for a more thoughtful and open exchange.
As the saying goes, we are not merely to listening in order to respond, but listening in order to understand.
Once we’ve listened deeply to the other person’s response, they might indicate that they feel understood through an acknowledgment, a sense of ease in their demeanor, or a shift in their tone. From this place, we can then offer a consciously considered reply that aligns with the theme of the conversation.
We then loop the interaction back around to vulnerability, where we can consciously relate by sharing a relevant story from our own lives.
Conscious relating involves replying with mindfulness and mutual respect. The goal is to meaningfully contribute to the conversation without overshadowing or interrupting the other person's stories. Thus, sharing a personal story can enhance rapport and connection, but it should be done thoughtfully—ensuring it’s timely, relevant, and balanced within the flow of the dialogue.
"We can learn to speak and listen in a way that fosters connection..."
—Marshall Rosenberg
At our core, each of us yearns to be genuinely understood and appreciated, longing for deeper connections with those around us.
Conscious communication provides a path towards meeting these needs.
With intentional practice and patience, each element of conscious communication, whether it be presence, deep listening, or respectful speaking, can be developed in time. Through this process, we create ourselves to be spaces of safety and healing, where others can genuinely express themselves.
In these moments of connection, our individual identities momentarily dissolve, merging with the experience of the other…
We build a bridge between worlds that are often kept separate…
We come to see that beneath the surface, we are all interconnected…
And we come to realize that we are all part of a vast, intricate system we call Life.
May we embrace the art of conscious communication, nurturing a deeper sense of presence and understanding, and cultivating genuine connections with one another.
Max Kristopher Komes
www.MaxKomes.com
Max Komes is a master’s-level mental health professional in Pensacola, Florida. His philosophy is that each and every individual holds wellsprings of wisdom within them, and with the right tools, can access this wisdom to live purposeful, peaceful, and resilient lives.
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